what i learned...

i went to a relationship seminar a month ago by a licensed marriage counselor and really appreciated some of the things the speaker said...

*don't write lists of pros and cons when you like someone. instead come up with where you want to be in 6 mo, 1 year, and in 5 years (and be specific!) what are your passions? that way when you meet someone, you can just see if they match up to what you want to do. this was really brilliant to me, since it's so important not to lose yourself in relationships and this way you figure out what you want first.

*when talking in relationships, work on listening. a good way to show someone you are listening and you understand is to repeat what they are saying back to them. kinda how the waiter repeats your order back to you. it reassures you that they know what you said and are listening. i need to work on this one...

*guys don't have to talk to spend time with you. i learned this by going to the astros game with my brother. we didn't talk but we got to hang out. girls on the other hand looooove to talk. and we feel better after we let it all out.

*sometimes we choose familiar, not functional.

*people who want approval don't get it. people who don't need it, get it.

*the first stage of a relationship is infatuation. this doesn't necessarily mean compatibility. it usually lasts 9 months. the second stage is power struggle, and the third is reality.

*relationship are more like gardens than banks. you can't just put the money in and watch it grow. it takes work and nurturing to keep it up and to keep it growing.

*you can't use relationships to make you feel good. relationships should add to your life. you shouldn't have to defend yourself all the time. joy comes from supporting each other...and really enjoying each other.

*four predictors of divorce: criticism, defensiveness, withdrawal, and contempt

*ask a question back to someone instead of getting defensive. it works!

*you don't have to be 'fixed' to be in a relationship...just need to be on the right path towards healing.

*healthy love allows for individually, brings out the best qualities in both partners, invites growth, accepts limitations of self and partner, has high self-esteem and sense of well-being.

*ask yourself...
do i respect this person? does this person respect me?
can we communicate?
do we compromise? is there give and take?
can i be honest and show my real feelings?
can we both take responsibility for the relationship's successes and problems?
is there room for me to grow and change?
am i able to reach my own goals?
is this person supportive of the kind of changes i am trying to make?
is this person willing to help me?